Anniversaries

Today is June 12, 2018. This day, this month, this time of year...it means a lot of different things to me. Not all of them are happy..and still some of them are. I have so many things on my mind right now, I'm just freezing up. So I think I'm just going to let it all out. If you stick with it, great. If not, I totes understand.

I guess I'll just begin at the beginning. My birthday is June 20. My dad's birthday is June 10. Father's Day is in June around (sometimes on) my birthday. My dad passed away almost four years ago. I still can't believe it's been that long. June had always been a time of celebration for me. But now those dates bring painful reminders.

Then in June 12, 2016, there was a horrific mass shooting at Pulse nightclub. I had not been to Pulse in several years, but I used to go there regularly with friends in the first few years after it opened. It was devastating. And the fact that the political climate has deteriorated in the years since only deepens the pain of the loss suffered on that day.

Most recently, with more celebrity suicides in the news and debates over mental illness and gun control and healthcare and prescription drugs and on and on...I've found myself thinking alot about depression in its many forms. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have fought it every which way imaginable and now have some sort of a rhythm. But when it comes to depression - at least for me - it can always rear its ugly head. The best solution that I have found thus far is a combonation of a little of this and a little of that, lots of daily practice and patience. And sometimes, the bad days still come.

Lately, I've been very open about the fact that Misery Black is me. She always was - from the very beginning. I just kept that fact to myself. Through Misery, I've been experimenting in a way that I've never done: new themes, new stories, new media, new techniques, new formats. The more I play with her and focus on her, the more inspiration I have and the stronger the need to express myself becomes. She is truly my visual diary. I love Misery when she's happy, when she's the optimist, the protector. But that isn't always the case. Lately, I've been turning to my darker side - really looking at my depression and anxiety to see what else is in there. And as it seems to be topical at the moment, I'm starting to think that there may be a place for my voice to be used to reach others who may need to feel that they are not alone. Maybe I can use my art to bring awareness to depression.

I've used Misery to express my political views, she has given voice to my hope and she has helped me to embrace my emotions in all their crazy forms. I want to see her grow and evolve even more. I want to be able to help educate those who don't understand depression and think it's just being sad. I want Misery to be an advocate for those who feel deeply and know that there's an upside and a downside to that.

I am still trying to publish my book - it's all technical mumbo jumbo and time. Blech. But I still have more books in my head as well as more large scale and mixed media. I'm also thinking about other platforms - other ways to show Misery. I feel like my experiences, my point of view could touch someone. I just want to do more.

So, bringing it back around, lately, I've been having "moments". Not ful--blown-in-bed-all-day-in-the-dark-crying kind of days - just sporadic moments of sadness, Today was a perfect example of this as well as an example of how many different layers there are to depression. I arrived at a client's home to walk their 2 dogs. These are regular clients, regular routine. Upon arrival, I found a note saying that the older female dog wasn't feeling well and would be going to the vet. I was to only walk the male. It was pretty hot out, but the sun was shining, so overall it was a nice day. As we walked, a ladybug landed on my arm. I can't deal with bugs - I'm girly like that - but I love ladybugs and think of them as a good omen. I said hello and helped him take off. When we got back from the walk, sweaty but happy, I realized the other dog had been home the whole time, but I hadn't seen her. She was so sick, that she was collapsed in the corner, barely moving. I sat on the ground with her, petting and kissing her head and talking softly to her. And I cried. I cried a lot. It was natural for me to feel sad - that's empathy. It's the fact that I moved from one extreme emotion to the other quickly. Anxiety and depression conspire and combine in such a way as to make the highs super high and then also make the lows devestating. And that is just a snapshot of the day.

Today is an anniversary of loss. This month is one of celebration and mourning. I look forward to celebrating my birthday by relaxing. I am prepared to give myself room to breathe if I get overwhelmed. I am excited to grow and evolve personally and artistically with Misery.

Thanks if you stuck it out to the end! Share the love!

Be nice to each other!

#orlandostrong