Trying to Just Go With the Flow

Summer has been a challenging time for me for a few years now, but I vowed this summer would be different. I made a commitment to focus on my art again and it's really important to me that I follow through on that fully. But it hasn't been that easy and I have needed to adapt.

To start off, my birthday is in June. Woo hoo! So, right off the bat, June is an important month for me. It's a month that I associate with fun and joy. It's MY month. June is one of the few times that I actually treat myself. I don't do parties or big nights out (anymore..lol) but I do like to treat myself throughout the month. Especially because this was a big birthday....shh, don't tell anybody, I turned 50!

However, June also comes with bittersweet memories. Now I am reminded of loss and grief. Needless to say, my old friend depression wanted to say hi and take a stroll down memory lane. At the same time, I have been worrying about keeping up momentum in my art and my work. That has been my biggest challenge going into this year. I have put a lot of expectations on myself for this year and June was a real test for me.

I went into the month with the best intentions. I made a plan, but I also left room for myself - so I could celebrate my birthday but to also be mindful of my emotions, in case things became too overwhelming. I was able to do some things for myself and celebrate a little. But, the grief is still strong. In addition, I am still struggling with making ends meet and my energy has been low making just getting through each day a real challenge (psst! Remember? I'm 50 now! Yikes! Lol!). Even so, I reminded myself that this is why I wanted to focus on ME and why I gave myself a little extra room to just be.

Life still moves on, though. June turned into July and soon it was August. I thought about what I WASN'T doing constantly. The more that I felt guilty about slacking, the worse it made me feel and the motivation that I had fought so hard for was slipping away. That, my friends, is what happens when depression comes calling. It is persistent, insidious and it disguises itself as truth and reality.

Here we are, August is about over and September is days away. Blogging and newsletters are my goals for the first half of the month. My depression, AKA Karen, keeps telling me that doing it now (late) is a failure. She is loud and obnoxious. She was the one that was on my back in 2020 and through the end of 2023. But now I think I can see more clearly. I'm adapting to Karen's constant presence.

I like quotes and rhymes - I guess you could tell if you've seen my work with text! Lol!! I like words. I feel like words are a way for me to bring myself back to the present. Mantras, prayer, positive affirmations are powerful tools, coping skills. Two things have been running through my mind a lot lately, You can start your day over at anytime, in the afternoon or even right before you go to sleep. I don't have to wait for the RIGHT time. That idea brings me to my last thought, I have a 100% success rate at getting through bad days. *psst! In case you need to hear it, that goes for YOU, too!