February, the Month of Love?

February is here and all thoughts turn to love...but just what kind of love? Valentine's Day is a celebration of relationships, but really it's just about intimate relationships, finding The Love of Your Life. What happens when you don't have that kind of happily ever after? I'm not looking for romance right now. I have been single for longer than I care to admit. In the past, that didn't really matter. Especially since that fateful Valentine's Day in 2013 when I found my boys - The Big Three that changed my life. Now, however, even that brings little comfort.
 

Just over a year ago, my beloved Ganesha left this world. He had developed diabetes and there was a long struggle trying to get it under control. Unfortunately, near the end of 2022, there were several complications that brought on seizures which did serious damage to his brain. He stayed with me for a few more months, but he was like an infant and fully dependant on me. I gave him all I had until one day, after sleeping all night in my arms he looked at me, sightless, and he said goodbye. Minutes later, he was gone. I had left the room to feed his brothers - Ganesha had stopped eating at this point - and that is when he decided it was time. I knew that he was suffering and had told him several times that I didn't want to lose him, but it was ok if he was ready to go. I didn't want him to stay for me if he was in pain. So, being the sweet boy that he was, Ganesha yawned that last morning and "watched" me (he had gone blind months before as a result of the seizures) leave the room before he left this plane. I think he knew that I couldn't handle seeing his life fade, so in his last breath, he spared me from that.

Love comes in infinite forms. After all that I have been through these last few years, I still struggle with loving myself. In order to love myself, it's important that I love ALL of me. It is hard to love myself when I see everything in my life as a failure. I failed in my art, I failed my baby boy, I failed to back up all my big talk about love and acceptance. My healing journey has been mostly about dealing with my perceived failures. And I was doing so well!! But, I still do have bad days and my depression has been thick and heavy lately.
 

Most times that I abandoned my work in the past, even after trying another restart, it has been because of these moments. I succomb to my depression and withdraw into myself. I didn't want to write a blog now. What could I say about love? I feel like all that I know is loneliness, shame, guilt. Love of any kind is incomprehensible to me right now. That's when I realized that blogging was exactly what I needed. I deal with my depression by withdrawing, but that doesn't usually help. I need to release the toxic thoughts, not hold them closer.

As I write, I feel like I can breathe a little again. I believe in being honest, not only about my opinions and beliefs, but also about my flaws and fears. Secrets really do make me sick and they usually lie. I am not worthless, but I am not perfect either. I strive to be optimistic and positive, but that's not always how I feel. Honesty means being able to admit that.

During this month of love, I am reflecting on what I need in order to love myself. As a great queen once said, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" We all need connections, but it's important to recognize your value. It's ok to not be ok. You are not alone.
 

Happy Self Love Month